Between Lady Mugabe and the national cook

Here we go again. President Jones likes to send fat bones to sniffer dogs that would rather chew him raw.

In the past four years, the president’s actions have made his subjects see how blessed they are with past ruiners of the highest office. There are those who would argue that when thieves honour you and you accept, you become one with them exposing your real character. Take note that those who say so would jump from the opposition trenches to fuse with the ruining party they once denigrated. Their logic is simple even if opportunistic; you can only change evil from within.

So there goes, the long list of people who are now tarred with the brush of the PDP notion of national honour. Here the noun ‘nation’ is justified by the modus operandi and modus Vivendi of the party and its acolytes. This year presidential steward features. What is wrong with that? The presidential cook is only second in rank to the First Wife. The steward ensures that the food served the First Family nourishes and not poison, that is the apogee of national service. It is evident this one did not cook the meal that sent the First Wife to the German asylum for the epiphany that transformed her into Evan Bipi’s messiah.
Anyone who has watched The Valet on flat screen knows that presidential cooks are significant even in America’s God’s own country, in spite of Dr Farooq Kperogi’s disagreements. Kperogi swears by the glitte-ring skyscrapers of Atlanta and the transformation waters of the Mississippi that Americans do not regard their nation as God’s own country. In fact, most Americans want God impeached from official functions and they are gra-dually succeeding. But you can’t stop the Naija from determining where his God lives.
If Naija’s national honour were worth a normal university degree, in four years of cooking, the national cook has earned his honour in four culinary years. We should therefore doff our fedora for the Senate of the National Awards Committee who found this cook worthy both in character and learning for the award of Grand Cook of the Federal Republic, GCFR. I hope I am lucky to get a copy of the cook’s calling card with the GCFR, embossed in gold under the national coat of arms. This will occupy a pride of place in my collection of presidential memorabilia on which seats David Ibukun Maiye, Chief Barber to the President and Dr (Mrs) Merit Gordon Obua, wife of the Chief Security Officer to the president, among others. Those who see these things as denigration of national pride are simply jealous and should hug an Ebola patient.
Personally I strongly support President Jones’ sense of judgment on this, being unworthy of such honours as a national heckler. I also give it to the PDP for having more sense in these things than Uncle Bob’s wife, Madam Grace, sorry, I meant Her Excellency, Wife of Zimbabwe’s Life President, Lady Dr Grace Mugabe. Mrs Mugabe has shattered many records in this era where iTunes and Google Play music have sent vinyl to the museum of antiquity.
Lady Grace has just earned her PhD in Sociology from the University of Zimbabwe after only two months of enrolment and incredibly intense study. But her enemies only recall how she was dishonourably withdrawn from a corres-pondence degree in English from the University of London because she passed only two courses in eight years. Her British don had described her performance in words that would have made Dr Nnoruka’s rating of my French grammar as ‘pitoyable’ (French for pitiable) look like a national honour.
The UZ Senate described Lady Mugabe’s graduation as “special and unique” but her detractors; the APC of Zimbabwe, claim they could not find her thesis either online or on the shelves of the university library. In Naija, there are claims that President Jones’ PhD thesis is missing from the archives of the University of Port Harcourt. My defence is that such national discoveries should never be exposed to enemies of the state who may copy and apply them without payment or attribution.
Although not one to rewrite the rules of grammar like our First Wife, Lady Mugabe has made strides longer than those of Zimbabwe Olympian, Abel Chimukoko, who came 48th at Zimbabwe’s last appearance at the games. Lady Grace captured Uncle Bob’s heart long before Sally succumbed to cancer; she recently won the post of secretary-general of the ZANU-PF Women’s League, which positions her second in succession to the throne after her husband.  In Naija, let us thank God for small mercies, at least the Senate of the National Awards Committee ensured that the national steward passed each semester exam in flying colours for four years since the installation of the doctrine of necessity to qualify as national honouree.